Childhood? Which childhood?
The one that didn’t last?
The one in which you learned
to be afraid
of the boarded-up well in the
backyard
and the ladder in the attic?
The one presided over by armed
men
in ill-fitting uniforms
strolling the streets and
alleys,
while loudspeakers declared a
new era,
and the house around you grew
bigger,
the rooms farther apart, with
more and more
people missing?
The photographs whispered to
each other
from their frames in the
hallway.
The cooking pots said your
name
each time you walked past the
kitchen.
And you pretended to be dead
with your sister
in games of rescue and
abandonment.
You learned to lie still so
long
the world seemed a play you
viewed from the muffled
safety of a wing. Look! In
run the servants screaming,
the soldiers shouting,
turning over the furniture,
smashing your mother’s china.
Don’t fall asleep.
Each act opens with your
mother
reading a letter that makes
her weep.
Each act closes with your
father fallen
into the hands of Pharaoh.
Which childhood? The one that
never ends? O you,
still a child, and slow to
grow.
Still talking to God and
thinking the snow
falling is the sound of God
listening,
and winter is the
high-ceilinged house
where God measures with one
eye
an ocean wave in octaves and
minutes,
and counts on many fingers
all the ways a child learns to
say Me.
Which childhood?
The one from which you’ll
never escape? You,
so slow to know
what you know and don’t know.
Still thinking you hear low
song
in the wind in the eaves,
story in your breathing,
grief in the heard dove at
evening,
and plentitude in the unseen
bird
tolling at morning. Still slow
to tell
memory from imagination,
heaven
from here and now,
hell from here and now,
death from childhood, and both
of them
from dreaming.
OUR WORDS THIS WEEK:
attic
missing
rescue
fingers
plentitude
3 comments:
THE HEART
let's take our words
from a poet who
had a brief affair
with another poet
I know it because
she had his photo
on her kitchen table
likely for years
and wrote poems
carrying the grief
in many books after
"that was a year"
"that was five years"
it's not fair to say
that the heart is
tucked away in the attic
that we are missing
from our own lives
when we cannot rescue ourselves
this poem is made of plentitude
I type with heart and fingers and
a woman's grief remembered
CHILDHOOD TIME:
There was an attic place I used to hide in.
Kept thinking they would see/notice I was missing.
They never did know about the hidden spot I had fixed up in the attic…
carefully arranged behind boxes…had old blanket, cushions, could sleep there...
had a flashlight, stack of comic books…
Kept thinking they would see that I was missing.
My father might ask, when he was there … he would ask.
And my mother, she would say, “oh she does this all the time…wants attention…
wants someone to come and rescue her by searching…wants us to act worried…
don’t encourage her…eventually she always comes back.
And she was right, and I did…after a few quiet comic-book nap hours…eventually
I did come back to place and plentitude…eventually /always/forever hanging on
with thin fingers.
Childhood plentitudes
lost Like sand running
fast between fingers:
ingraspable grains
for who can close his hands
Fast enough to rescue
himself from the wear of time?
you end of with
a fist of nothing.
What goes missing in childhood
Often returns later-
maybe in the form
of
A yellowed photograph
found bent the
back of a dresser drawer-
you on a ten speed
your hair so much fuller
and darker then.
Skin perfectly slid over a body
Taut with vigorous muscle.
Where were you going
With that sad summer stare?
Where is that ten speed now?
a twisted frame of gears
and wire, potential energy?
Or sometimes early years
Jump suddenly from a dusty box
opened in a dark attic-
standing
beneath a webbed light bulb
with a single pull string
you find:
cards from old friends,
a game piece broken in two- there
was some sentimental value
in it..now lost.
a yearbook scribbled
with earnest secrets from
forever friends long since faded
but it’s the washed out piece
of a concert ticket stub that
instantly sets the mind ablaze:
--you were dancing ,
lost in movement among colored lights
youth bound you
and the spaces
Between your fingers were
Able to catch the moments
Sliding unbridled by.
Your eyes closed-
there was nothing:
No earth, no body or form,
Just the insistent pulse
of a steady kick drum
wired to your heart.
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